The last month has been a literal whirlwind of emotions and sensations. The sense of joy and unfathomable love from one person that swept me into a brilliant state of mind and made me realize that I did indeed have something to give to another; and to complete and utter abandonment, a awful ending to another relationship.
Two sides of a coin, that was flipped into the air but failed to land on one side or the other… it just spun.
The feelings of utter disgust in myself for actually thinking that I could ignore my sense of right and wrong, just to fulfill the one nagging spot that was missing in my life. I thought that no matter what was said, or done; that she was my friend and (above all else) that was cause for celebration.
I was wrong to think that.
The selfish craving of humanity has yet again surprised me, and left me feeling empty.
But, there is always hope for the future. No matter the position you’re in or the people you’re with. There will always be someone there when you pick up the pieces of yourself, to take your hand (tell you, “I told you so!”) and smile down at you with a warmth and purpose that nothing but Love can bring.
I’ll take everything that was said to me, everything that was done and wash my hands of it. Because I know that the one smile that Love can give, is worth a thousand of those friends.
I’m Sorry that You couldn’t find what You were looking for in me. Perhaps it’ll be in the next person that You meet, although I hope that You’d have grown up enough to know not to treat them In the same way.
I’m Sorry for you, not knowing what you can have and not knowing what you can become.
I’m Sorry that I wasn’t a strong enough person to see the actions that you were taking before you took them.
And, I’m Sorry that I let this happen to me.
Its my perception of these things that makes me feel bad.
This means, no matter how messed up and dysfunctional I feel…. I’m never as bad as I think I am.
This situation has just exposed my truly wonky thoughts about myself.
The pain will fade if I let go of expectations and I’ve learned this the hard way. I expected this relationship to work. I expected this time around, for her attitude towards me to be more reasonable and reliable.
No one ever said that quality of life comes from spending time alone… but I beg to differ.
I’ve learned a great many things in spending time alone, and they are things that I wouldn’t have otherwise learned had I always had someone there.
There is no right or wrong way to feel in situations like these. You might need to scream and yell and cry for a week about how betrayed you feel, or you might internalize those feelings on anger and frustration and take them out on a punching bag.
Perhaps simply noticing the failures of yourself, and others, is a key to structuring your life in a way that you can better manage the time spent whining about them and use it to better yourself.
I’m writing again. So, Thanks.