I don’t think I knew that I was a very insecure person. I think, I always thought of myself as this confident, my-ideas-are-better-so-fuck-you, kind of person. I’ve always knew that I have insecure parts of my personality, and always thought that they were just this little itty-bit off in the corner, that we never talk about and really, never needed.
In a lot of ways I am a very forward thinking, straight minded person (to the world).
I can defend my visions of right and wrong, my thoughts about the world, humanity as a whole etc.
But when it comes to the conversations between Me and someone else … I turn into this tiny little marshmallow of a person and try to make everyone happy, all of the time.
I’ve realized that I’m the kind of person that always thinks the world is mad at them, for some unknown reason. I’m the kind of person that, if I have an idea or a thought that gets me really excited, and I share it with you- and you don’t like it for whatever reason … I have absolutely No positive reinforcement for that.
My internal monologue immediately flips to, “That was a stupid idea. Never think of anything… ever again.”
I have a birthday coming up next week, and If you’d asked me before now what my best asset is, it would’ve been that I’m (relatively) Self Aware. But in actual fact, I would have to be one of the most sensitive & emotionally ignorant people (to myself) I know.
I’m like a freakin’ sponge. I pull in everyone else’s’ negativity and suck it all in until there is so much, that I can’t see myself any more.
Its taken me 26 years to figure that out.
So soon enough; I’m this writhing, pissed off, out of balance shadow of myself, that has no idea how to fix me- but other people? Fuck Yes.
I can fix ANYONE!:
You? Dump him, He’s making you bitter as fuck.
You? Go back to school and actually finish a degree, You slacker.
You? Stop blaming everyone else and look at yourself for a second. You’re a mess.
Me? Hahahahaaaaa… You have GOT to be kidding.
I still know how I want to be treated, as a person. I think I have two friends out of the few that treat me as such. Everyone else either has no idea, or takes advantage of my inability to suss myself out.
I am an insecure, a little-bit-angry, judgemental person who has that shit in a bag… but sometime the bag busts open and all this crap comes spilling out. I am working on trying to sew the bag up, and empty it all out for good.
One of the ways I’m working on it, is by surrounding myself with people who say “Yes!”
I’ve got plenty of negative thought, and waiting for the other shoe to drop without needing it from other people. All that I need from the people that I have around me is trust, love and to just say YES.
So far, I think its working.