It’s not easy to be honest, honestly.
I was a liar, and I’m (oddly) proud to say that. But thanks to a certain traumatic brain issue, my lying has ceased and now I find it difficult to tell the sales person on the other end of the phone; “Oh, There’s a knock at my door, *cough* I have to go now!” or “I’m Sorry, what? No. No I can’t hear you. What? You’re breaking up…”
I used to be able to think up the most extravagant things to get myself, friends or family out of situations at the drop of a hat. I was not your usual 16 year old making up where she has been for the past 5 hours on a Sunday night:
(Mother) Where the hell have you been young lady!!?
(Me) Ahh… at Mark’s. Studying. Yeah…I was Studying!
(Mother) … TRY AGAIN! YOU’RE GROUNDED!
I was the 16 year old that was on the beach with my boyfriend, drinking 17 Smirnoff blacks around a fire and being ever-so naughty. When I’d get home the lie was already seeded, in great detail, and with so much finesse that I never got into the above situation.
But honesty is extremely difficult for me portray, and it always has been. Not just telling the truth at important occasions or to the right people, but thinking the truth to myself instead of making this fantastic answer up in my head. I think that’s where my imagination came from, and where I get my most amazing ideas to write with. The times when I wanted to shut the whole world out and create my own from the ideas in my mind.
Honesty is the one thing that, in friendships, I still have trouble using it to its full potential. I’m likely to bend to your will, As if you’re more important. Many of my friends and relationships (past and present) have begun to think of themselves as more important at this point, just from the way that I portray them.
When in actual fact, its just my inability to pull them up and say something frank like;
“No, I do not like it when you come over at 8:15am. I haven’t had my shower or a coffee and will, most probably, rip your head of because of those things! Give me another hour and we’ll be sweet!”
Instead… It ends up being 8:15am & my friend is knocking on my door; I have had two gulps of my coffee, a deodorant-shower, I’m still half asleep and still want to kill everything.
All because I didn’t tell you what I felt, and wasn’t honest with you in the first place.
This has been one of the reasons that so many of my relationships and friendships have ended with a traumatic bang, when not all of them had to.
So, I’m going to say a few here and now that I’ve never said before, but have wanted to. Directed at no one in particular.
(I refute my previous statement. They are all directed at someone, somewhere.)
– You’re not going to make it, You don’t have what it takes. Stay here and mind the store.
– You have an ego the size of Mars, and a cock that I can’t even see.
– That relationship is not good for you.
– He’s a controlling and manipulating asshole. Dump him and find someone worthy of You.
– Just because you have more money than me, doesn’t make you a better person.
– You’re ‘friends’ don’t have your best intentions at heart.
– You’re a great person, but please don’t do that again. It hurts.
– I won’t be here forever.
– I will get the life I want. The life I deserve.
– My world, sometimes, feels like its crumbling. Its repetitive, but I need a hug.
– You’re not worth my time.
– Grow up, or Give up.