I must admit I’ve been through my fair share of friends and ex-friends… probably more that most people. This is both sad and not sad. I’ve learned a lot about friendships this way but I’m also learning not to hold on to tight or care too much. I don’t like to seem clingy. I don’t like to text first. I don’t like rejection in any form and even though I don’t like all that; I always feel like I’m being the most annoying person in the world.
Together we were unstoppable; you were one of the few people I put my full faith in. We stood by each other through our toughest times and seemed to come out stronger because of our loyalty to each other. You had a bigger influence on me than you know and I think now more than ever you’d be proud of who I became.
During our friendship, there was a lot of turmoil for me; emotionally and otherwise. I am always having and issue with something, but you were there. Being friends with you was an adventure everyday. Long drives with blasting music, and coffee dates; wherever, whenever. I never got bored with you. I knew whenever we were going to hang out that it was going to be a good day. If it was going to be eventful or not; I was going to be happy. We made the best of every situation, and even on our worst days as individuals being together always seemed to make things better.
There is so much I took away from our friendship that I’m glad of; such as what it’s like to feel like family with someone who is not legally your family.
I think of our friendship and see how much I’ve grown.
I don’t take shit from anyone anymore, and like it or not; If I’d have met you today, I probably wouldn’t have gone out for coffee with you that first time, or enjoyed the 12am pancakes-after-exhibition with the idiot from Canada.
I am calling you my ex-best-friend now, and that doesn’t sit right in my stomach. But how should I describe you? You’re more than somebody that I used to know, but I feel the need to categorize you into this category that many people have fallen into throughout my life; the “ex-friend” category. We were best friends and now we don’t speak, because of various reasons and various people; and those would still have recurring issues now, no doubt.
Apologies are meant to be thoughtful, direct things.
But, this isn’t one of them.
This is the end of a letter to myself.
In it I explain that I had a friend who was, at one time, more dear to me than the world. I tried my best but eventually, after quite a few mistakes on both sides, it ended. Lately I’ve been thinking about that friend, and what I could’ve done differently, or not at all.
Recalling all the good moments makes me smile, but that in itself is a superfluous thing. I needn’t react like that, over a relationship that caused just as much heart ache as it did those treasured moments.
But when I recall the good moments, it is inevitable that the flood of dreadful memories comes after. Those memories have me feeling like trust is a corrupt emotion, and everything that is said needs a subtitle of truth.
I feel like I’m intended for great things, although the things haven’t shown their faces yet. I’m stuck in this world, creating bubbles of brilliance that are constantly burst by child-like minds with magnifying glasses.
Those minds believe they are greater than they are, when they haven’t even stepped out the door yet.
However I intend on making this, not a letter of resignation to the general parameters of life; but a reminder that there aren’t any parameters.