Thoughts that occur to me when Swimsuit shopping:
Lighting is terrible, I look like I don’t have eyebrows.
Shit, there is some cellulite. I forgot about that.
Why the hell are my shoulders so god-damn bony?
Oh look, my boobs are obviously off sick today; I look like a child wearing her mothers padded bra.
My skin is so white, I mean my husband usually has to shield his eyes when I’m getting undressed, to save his retinas.
From my chest to waist is a straight line, no definition or anything.
I have no hips whatsoever, waist bands fall off me if not tightened to the extreme.
I have a genuine bubble butt, just sticking out like a verandah off a house.
My calf muscles are freaking’ huge; I do semi-regular vacuuming… not triathlons.
My spine is like one of those bendable rulers in school.
I have legs that look like tree stumps, no wonder heels are my every-day shoe.
I look horrible in every single swimsuit for one or more of these reasons. I’m going to get nothing today and feel like a complete failure as I walk out. Then I’ll probably sit in the car for ten minutes punching myself that I let this crap get to me… they were all on sale for fuck sake!!!