I do regret how things worked out and half of me does wish You were still in my life. I know for a fact, that you would’ve been able to make me smile when I’ve needed it.
I think I figured out what happened between us and why we acted the way we did; It was two different sets of circumstances, influences and we wanted different things. I know at that time, I was pulled so tight in every which way that one thing had to snap and it was unfortunately, our friendship. I’m not in any way blaming that for my actions however and I know now that I could’ve handled my part in a very different way.
I want to apologise, but I don’t want it to go back to the way it was. It was a relationship that was in trouble, and we didn’t know how to fix it. I still don’t.
I’ve grown up an immense amount in the last year, and realised that out of everyone I have turned my back on; You’re the one person that I wish I hadn’t and instead worked it out with.
I completely understand the natural effect that being in a big circle of women of different backgrounds has on a person. It’s stressful; trying to do your best while still trying to achieve unity and strength with the women around you. It’s also tough as hell when you fail miserably at whatever you do and it crumbles around you with all of your ‘friends’ looking on. They make that Oh Noo! face, shake their heads and tell you that it’ll be better next time… and then continue to drink their skinny frappachino and see who wins when they see how much money their husbands raked in this month.
I get it.
But, come on. Just because they treat you like complete and utter crap, doesn’t mean you in in turn are obliged to treat others like that. All that is going to get you, is less actual friends and more coffee dates with people that count their calories, only eat air and make fun of you for not doing the same.
You only feel one emotion toward me any more, and that’s Anger. I can’t do anything to your particular standards and when I don’t bow down and ask for help, You call me a coward and a liar.
You call me Wrong.
I can never do anything that would please you and I’m sick to death of trying.
I’m repeating myself, and sounding like a right child when I say things like this, but what grown up is still dragged in and out of these situations? None.
They have meaningful, deep conversations which actually matter to their lives.
You pick at every little thing I do and keep going until my only reaction is to try and get away from you in any way I can. It’s at that point that you turn around and tell anyone watching, that this is what you have to deal with on a daily basis.
I can never be myself without having to defend my own person in the same breath.
For the sake of my own privacy (What little there is left!) I’ve negated to put any names or genders associated with the people written about here. Please be aware though, that You’re free to message me if You’d like to.