My body is falling apart, and I don’t care

Those parenting sites you click on, that give you tips and tricks to get through the tough months of pregnancy; like a foot rub, or going shopping… are generally full of crap.

Although, I’m sure people with freaking good pregnancies (1 in 100 billion) do occur and I won’t deny a woman’s ability to soldier on … but I’m not one of the tinsy tiny, itty bity, tiny weeny (French bikini) numbers.

Pregnancy is beautiful (so far) but there are days when I get out of the shower look at myself in the mirror… and want to put on a moo-moo, buy a large triple cheese burger (with a thick shake) and make my husband close his eyes when he talks to me.
There are other days when I go skinny-dipping in our pool and feel completely stunning… but as I get bigger I fear that those days will dwindle into the black abyss.

I’m almost half way through my second trimester as we speak, and so far I’m still tiny. I’m a small person (156cm & 53kg) anyway, but when I tell people, particularly other Mum’s, how far along I am … they kind of get this oppressive I-want-to-kill-you look in their eyes as they smile.
I cannot help that I’m little.

And Yes, those comments of, “Are you sure you’re 16 weeks along? You shouldn’t be that small!” do actually hurt. Most times when I see friends, this baby wants to hide out behind my liver, so I tell you again, I AM EXPECTING. DON’T BE AN ASS.
Those comments make me worry about my child, but as the doctors have told me (time and time again) We are doing great. I’ve seen a dietician and She’s said I’m eating well! (Albeit having a bit too much fat in my diet with how much bacon I’m consuming on a weekly basis… but never the less!)

Things I’ve either discovered or cannot figure out about my body, at the moment… It’ll probably change in 3 minutes.

1. I do not understand my insane ability to almost sniff out a Mcdonalds,, eat nothing but fries… and then feel sick an hour later and wonder why.

2. I have discovered over the years that although my pale-as-the-moon skin is fantastic in every other way, my boob veins have posed a severe problem. I now fear that when I walk outside with a lower-than-my-throat shirt on, everyone will think I’m strangely radio-active.

3. Why am I hungry in my sleep?

4. I know I have a bladder in my body… It’s obviously fucked off to Bermuda for the holiday season, because it’s not bloody working and I need to pee every 0.8 seconds.

5. Is there an actual need for my leg hair to grow a few cm’s overnight?


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