You know that feeling that you get, when you have a dream about falling? That sudden rush of adrenalin as your eyes pop open and you gasp out of sleep, only to realise that you are in fact, in bed. That’s pretty much the general feeling that came about after finding out I was pregnant. Although, there was the yelling and the tears and Your Dad running in and asking if I died. I explained what had happened and thrust the two pregnancy tests under his nose.
After all of that, it dawned on me. This would officially be the hardest thing that I’d ever done. And that, is not an easy thing to say.
I’ve spent my life in and out of hospitals for various things and as a result, I am the proud owner of a rather large chunk of now-dead brain matter, a scar down my chest, and a pigs valve that is pumping away quite happily.
But, when I say that having a baby will be the biggest and scariest thing that I’ve had to do, I’m not joking. Heart surgery honestly does fade away in comparison.
I’ve just started to notice a bump and I’m wondering what I’ll be like as a Mum. Then I think, “I will be there for their life. Hopefully not the whole thing, but a rather large chunk of it…”
How can a sane person not be freaked out, just a little?!
You’re growing inside me, (stealing all of my resources and making pee every 0.5 seconds…) and will one day be a walking, talking, thinking human being – with abilities and knowledge that will far exceed my own. And then I think, Holy shit. I have to be around to see this marvel! I have to know what He/She is like; what are their fears and successes; how do they ride a bike; which hand do they write with; are they a good judge of character; how young were they when they saw their first horror film…
I’ll even deal with You and Your Dad ganging up on me, although I will probably be the shortest in the family by far at that point, so go easy?
The questions keeps coming and I’ve ultimately come to the conclusion that You, my little action-hero, will keep me alive. Despite all the definite early mornings, no sleep, worrying, shouting, tantrums and everything else that You can throw at me. I have to stay alive, and stay healthy to be there for my little wonderbug and help You navigate the ass of a world that You’re being born into, so You can flourish and one day, you’ll make that world Your own.
Don’t worry, kiddo. I’ll be there for you. Even at the moments where you don’t want me there, I’ll only be a phone call away.
Love you, for forever and a day,