I’ve never been one of those girls that you see in the throngs of their friends. I’ve had one or two, here and there that seemed to make some sort of connection with my life and although I tried my hardest it was never enough to be there for them without question, I haven’t found the key to a lasting friendship. I was like the soldier that when everyone else had left them to die, I helped them up and we kept going, again and again.
I’m bulletproof, but only to a point.
All of those people wanted me to be something I simple wasn’t made to be, and so they eventually turned me away for this reason or that, be it; the end of high school and our forced friendship or, the want of honesty from Her when She had none to give.
But I do not blame them, at all. Of course at one point, I did. I blamed everyone under the sun for messing up my perfect friendships. But after that faded, I realised the common thread among all of them.
Perhaps, I’m simply not meant to be somebody that you sit up all night talking with, or be around because you enjoy their company.
I’m the person that you need for a reason; be it money, security, a shoulder to cry on, etc. When the next best thing comes along, I seem to be the first thing that Is tossed. I’m used to it, but it still hurts.
And as terrible as it may sound, fear not. I’m not sad about this fact, nor do I try to hide it anymore. I relish in the ability to go where I like, when I like and not need the security of a swathe of others to pretend to watch my back.
I have many acquaintances that my husband and others have introduced me to and they are spectacular people in their own rights, so I will endeavour to keep them as such, but I will not attempt to wrangle myself into their lives. The few people that regularly update themselves in my life are treated as family, not friends.
I’ve been without a best friend for almost a year exactly, and I am not a complete mess. Although my last relationship was perilous and rocky, I believed that this would be the one to hang on to. The one relationship that would defy the odds and become something I could write positively about.
But in the end, I forced the situation and saw what was really to become of this wonderful relationship and it was safe to say… Nothing. Chances were given but never reciprocated, others interfered and in the end, it was me who sent the last message.
I cherish the memories that friendship brought with it, good and bad. I cannot have any regrets in that instance, because not all of the moves where my own and to regret someone else’s mistakes it utterly irrelevant.
Here’s to the friends that were.