Instead, I held you.

Today, I have seen the last of my patients. It’s run away on a plume of wet wipes and vomit. I have been trying to calm myself and lock away my anger. It’s been working; just.
But, as you fell asleep on my chest and sighed on of your little ‘I’m going to sleep now, Ma’ sighs … I stopped fussing.
I want to get the house tidy today. I want to unload the dishwasher, put some washing on, sweep the floor & brush the dogs. Fold some laundry from the dining table, Make myself some lunch and actually finish a cup of tea!

(Seriously… I’m looking around me and I can see three cups of half drunk cold tea, and I know there are more upstairs!)

As I looked at your little squidgy face,  I realised that all I really wanted to do was hold you.
Because you won’t be so small forever. You wont be so hugable. You won’t always have knuckle dimples, or that amazing baby smell. Your eyes won’t always be so huge and your skin so soft.

You’re already almost 6 weeks old. You’ve gotten so big, so fast. The amount of clothes you no longer fit is astonishing. You’re hair is growing, your movements are getting better and all the while … I’ve wanted to put you down?

I was holding onto the life I had before you were in it.
The life of Just Me.
Well… I’m doing that, no longer.

As you dream your dreams, I’ll be there. Ready to hold you close, or chase away the nightmares. To feel you kick and squirm your way through sleep to wake up and see you looking at me with those big blue eyes. ❤

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