- Why can’t dummies (pacifiers) have tracking nodes in them?
- Breast feeding is ultimately the need for a child and a food truck attached to you, at all times
- Metamucil: the new mothers best friend.
- ‘Nice clothes’are a thing of the past. It’s either Clothes-that-have-been-vomited/pee’d-on Or Clothes-that-are-about-to-be-vomited/pee’d-on.
- The laundry will be done every day, or the child will be dressed in towels.
- You will never get a full night of sleep again. Ever. (If you do, there is either a baby sitter … or a problem.)
- Watch out for the pee-stream. It’ll take you completely by surprise. They’re clean, dry and you’ve almost got the fresh nappy out when BAM … There is a fucking waterfall thats going sideways across the room.
…10 points if it hits the opposite wall.
- I’ve learned to speed eat. I can clear a plate of spaghetti bolognese in 2 minutes.
- If he’s crying and you’re anywhere near me, shut up and sit down. You’re no longer the focus of my attention and if you continue to speak as if you are, you’ll get a wet nappy in the face.
- I’ve learned to live with the sight of half drunk, cold cups of tea & coffee around my house.